I was at the Portland airport over the holidays, preparing to fly home. The line through security snaked through 5 or 6 switchbacks. There were 3 TSA agents checking IDs for the entire line, which had to hold at least a couple of hundred people at any given time. A person would clear the ID check and we would all shuffle forward a step. Shuffle, stop; shuffle stop; shuffle stop.
I usually fly out of Columbus, which even though it calls itself an International Airport, is really quite small in comparison to Portland or Sea-Tac. I usually fly into and out of Burbank or Kansas City, where they do things a little differently. So it took me a while to catch on. As we were shuffling and stopping in the long and winding road of that security line, I noticed people walking by our queue and right up to a fourth TSA person checking IDs. Then I noticed the sign that said this was for first class and special club members of the airlines; in other words, they had their own TSA agent and special non-line to get through security. No fuss, no shuffle-stop, just a waltz in the park.
When I saw one overly made-up silicon sister in faux fur, crack tight jeans and thigh high boots with 4 inch spike heels prance by and wriggle right on through with barely a wave of her ID and ticket I lost it. Cheryl tried to shush me and Eric acted like he didn’t know who I was.
Last time I checked, TSA personnel are employees of the federal government. They work for all of the citizens. Our taxes pay for their equipment, their salaries, and everything else about them. So why the hell does the TSA apply special privileges for first class passengers? The TSA is essentially using their power to force those of us who did not buy a first class ticket to do the TSA shuffle step, while rewarding those who do have a first class ticket with special access. It sure sounds like the TSA is trying to help the airlines sell more first class tickets. It’s like creating special parking places in front of government buildings exclusively for Cadillacs (GM you know).
To take that analogy one more step, we can easily imagine that one actually does not have to own the Escalade to use the parking space. In fact, how you got that big fancy car is immaterial; you could be a drug dealer or porn star or borrowed it from a friend. Just like one does not require some special need, pay more in taxes or actually be a VIP to obtain a first class ticket. In the case of the flouncing floozy, it would not be surprising to discover that she doesn’t even have a job or pay taxes, but relies on Daddy, or just as likely Sugar Daddy, to buy the ticket for her.
It seems we have it all backwards again, which is all we can expect anymore for the idiots we have in charge of things. It’s bad enough that the people who are supposed to be preserving our safety won’t use common sense in their screening procedures, such as being extra cautious about checking young, swarthy men who smell of camel for fear of being accused of racial profiling. Oh the horrors of that indignity! So all of us, even the old ladies in wheel chairs and little girls, must go through the greater indignities of luggage searches, body scans, pat downs and, for you complainers, strip searches and body cavity probes just so that our government and the TSA can smugly state that no one has been profiled and by extension prejudiced against. Of course, in this twisted no sense logic, the TSA and the airlines, and apparently the rest of us by acquiescence, have no problem accomplishing the reverse and profiling based on the type of the ticket we carry.
As for all of you who are aghast at the idea of stereotyping and profiling let me just say: Get Over It! Stereotyping works because it’s usually true. Little old ladies and 8 year old girls do not blow up airplanes. Women with artificial breasts who dress in bosom bulging blouses, short skirts and spiky heels to ride an airplane usually do meet the definitional requirements of floozy or bimbo.
If the airlines want to charge passengers more money for a wider seat, free liquor and the ability to board the airplane first, they can do that. But, simply by virtue of holding that ticket should not extend to receiving preferential treatment from our government. When the TSA gives special access to first class ticket holders it makes second class citizens of the rest of us.
